Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Life insurance, losing weight, and loneliness

What do those three things have in common? I'll tell you.

Life Insurance
On Mother's Day, and every past holiday for at least a year, one of my brothers insisted that we talk about my mother's funeral, which by the way has not happened and we don't want it any time soon.

I was in the living room playing with my great-nieces when I heard him say that I could move back into our mother's house after she died. That immediately got my attention! I joined the adult conversation in the kitchen. Why does he think I will be still be single?

Long story short, we(I) are(am) getting a life insurance policy on my mother to pay for her funeral because none of us can come up with about 12K on short notice. My mother's death is something I am in denial about and am very comfortable staying there. These conversations about her health issues and how everything will be distributed causes such extreme tension to build up inside me to the point that I feel like running out the door screaming. Why can't I stay in the safe haven of denial?? It's nice here.

Losing weight.
Well, that's something I was working on a few months ago, but got off track. One of my best friends has lost over 16lbs in the past few months and I am so proud of her!

For me though, I can't seem to fight the emotional eating enemy alone. Most of the time I don't think about being obese or that I am different that most people. However, yesterday I tried on a graduation gown before buying it and it did not fit. The very nice bookstore lady brought me the largest size they have, it didn't fit! She placed a call and emailed someone in hopes of finding one my size. I wanted to cry but my pride wouldn't let me. I have worked too hard for this degree to not walk at the graduation ceremony!

Loneliness.
Seeing a couple in love, hearing how they miss each other when one is out of town, remembering back to when that was me and someone else...
Watching two "twenty-somethings" test the waters to see if the other is attracted or interested, seeing eyes light up when a certain name is mentioned, standing back to observe how it all unfolds...
I miss:
missing someone
phone calls when he was out of town
fighting
making up
flirting
back rubs
late night phone calls
all day emails
deep discussions about the Lord
praying for and with each other
I miss being free to love someone until it hurts, knowing that person loves me too.
So what do life insurance, losing weight and loneliness have in common? Me.
Disclaimer: Please do not tar and feather me. I do not miss that person!!!!